If you had told 2008 me that I’d be living in South Dakota in just over 10 years, I would have said you were out of your $#@! mind. NO. WAY.  Oh, and also, married to a pastor?  HA. Right. It was one of my earliest vows to never marry a pastor!

And yet.  Here I am.  Happily married to a pastor and living in South Dakota.  [Insert quote about God laughing when we make plans here.]

When we moved to South Dakota from Pennsylvania in January 2019, (as ridiculous as this sounds) I had no idea just how much further north we are here, how much colder and darker it gets for how much longer in the winter, how those winds really do come sweeping down the plains to the tune of -20 wind chills that quite literally take your breath away and burn your lungs. OOF.

While the winters here can certainly be brutal, they also come with a beauty I’ve never before encountered.  Hoarfrost, ice pillars, sun dogs (pictured here) all seem magical - seemingly impossible phenomenon that reveal the real beauty of winter.  They are a sight to behold.  A reminder of the beauty to be found even in the coldest, darkest seasons.

The prayer at the heart of this song is a similar one.  Life can be harsh and brutal, and so we humans armor up to survive - for me that includes (but is certainly not limited to) perfectionism, judgement, aloofness, numbing.

What I want to whittle down are the shields and facades of my False Self, the frozen, armored me who can’t see who I “objectively [am] from the beginning, in the mind and heart of God, ‘the face you had before you were born,’ as the Zen masters say. [My] substantial self, [my] absolute identify, which can never be gained nor lost by any technique, group affiliation, morality, or formula whatsoever.” (Richard Rohr, Falling Upward)

Just as sun dogs reflect sunlight through ice crystals to create beauty in the sky on bitterly cold days, I want my True Self to reflect pure Divine Light through the prism of Love, especially in the coldest and darkest of seasons.

I want to see the Light and be the Light more clearly.

I pray that for all of us.

PS: A few notes on this song, because I’m a nerd like that:

1. You’ll see the name “LORD” (in all caps) showing up in some of my songs. This is a reference to YHWH, the one True Divine Being, whose name is considered so sacred many in the Jewish faith will not speak it.  This is the I AM, Absolute Existence, the Source, the Essence of all and in all.  (You can talk to my in-house theologian/Bible scholar husband about the many names of the Divine. He’s a wonderful resource!)

2. This song was recorded in 2008 on my iPhone, at home with just me and my piano.  I debated re-recording it again to be a bit more “polished,” but then thought that flew in the face of what I’m trying to do here. These are prayers that flow from raw, real life.  It’s not perfect.  It’s awkward and messy sometimes.  You’ll hear my squeaky piano bench, and my fumbling hands. I hope the imperfections are not distracting but will help you feel like you’re actually with me in this moment of authentic prayer.